Directed by: Ted West and Margaret Root
I seriously wish it were legal to sue people and companies for wasted time.
If I could, I would have the production team behind Bikini Vampire Babes in court tomorrow. I want more than the last 90 minutes of my life back...I want compensation for mental pain and anguish as well. I don't know what the producers of this movie were thinking, but it sure wasn't about entertainment.
If you're not familiar with this film, here is the synopsis courtesy of imdb.com:
A story about Lizette, a web savvy vampire who makes her living participating in bikini contests, runs into trouble when her car breaks down on the way to the world bikini championship in Las Vegas. Just because we're undead doesn't mean we don't have to make a living!
This movie is the worst one I've seen in 2011 so far. It is meant to be a horror-comedy spoof but fails on every level imaginable. It has no humor, no thrills, no gore, no plot, and simply no substance...at all. In short - I can't believe someone actually funded this film.
I know I shouldn't have expected much going into this…I mean, the title alone suggests an apprehensive trek into unknown territory. But so much could have been done with this concept. It's a shame to see what turned out instead.
The camera-work is abysmal. When the camera is not focused on the bodies of the bikini-clad women (which is most of the time), it's wandering all over the screen in a spastic, almost seizure-like way. Don't get me wrong…I love scantily clad women just as much as the next guy. But I like it in context. If I'm watching a movie about vampires, then I want to see vampires. If I'm watching a comedy, then I want to laugh. If I'm watching a hybrid that combines the two—well, you get the picture.
The acting is beyond horrible, with the cast puking up their lines in a syllable-by-syllable method. And when they weren't plodding through the poorly written script, they were standing around doing…nothing. My wife's miniature poodle can act better than any of the cast members in this film.
The special effects are not even laughable…they are downright insulting. For example, very time we see a bat, you can blatantly see the fishing line it is hanging from. It is almost as if the production crew positioned the lighting just so on purpose, to make sure the fishing line stood out. This could have been overlookable for me, but by the time the bat came into play in the film, I was already pissed off enough that it just added fuel to the fire. And if it was done on purpose, then that pisses me off even more.
And the inconsistencies…wow. Did anyone on the production team watch this movie before they called it done? In one scene, a guy is riding a Harley. In the next, he's on a dirt-bike. Huh? Seriously? Just thinking about this is causing anger to build up inside of me again.
I think I've already exerted more energy than I wanted to on this film. The ONLY positive thing I can say about Bikini Vampire Babes is that it had a somewhat decent soundtrack…but it's nothing I would really want to hear again.
In short, don't make the mistake I did by watching this film. Instead, use 90 minutes of your time wisely. Go watch paint dry or watch dust-bunnies collect under your bed or something; you'll enjoy yourself a lot more if you do and be spending your time in a much better way.
If I could, I would have the production team behind Bikini Vampire Babes in court tomorrow. I want more than the last 90 minutes of my life back...I want compensation for mental pain and anguish as well. I don't know what the producers of this movie were thinking, but it sure wasn't about entertainment.
If you're not familiar with this film, here is the synopsis courtesy of imdb.com:
A story about Lizette, a web savvy vampire who makes her living participating in bikini contests, runs into trouble when her car breaks down on the way to the world bikini championship in Las Vegas. Just because we're undead doesn't mean we don't have to make a living!
This movie is the worst one I've seen in 2011 so far. It is meant to be a horror-comedy spoof but fails on every level imaginable. It has no humor, no thrills, no gore, no plot, and simply no substance...at all. In short - I can't believe someone actually funded this film.
I know I shouldn't have expected much going into this…I mean, the title alone suggests an apprehensive trek into unknown territory. But so much could have been done with this concept. It's a shame to see what turned out instead.
The camera-work is abysmal. When the camera is not focused on the bodies of the bikini-clad women (which is most of the time), it's wandering all over the screen in a spastic, almost seizure-like way. Don't get me wrong…I love scantily clad women just as much as the next guy. But I like it in context. If I'm watching a movie about vampires, then I want to see vampires. If I'm watching a comedy, then I want to laugh. If I'm watching a hybrid that combines the two—well, you get the picture.
The acting is beyond horrible, with the cast puking up their lines in a syllable-by-syllable method. And when they weren't plodding through the poorly written script, they were standing around doing…nothing. My wife's miniature poodle can act better than any of the cast members in this film.
The special effects are not even laughable…they are downright insulting. For example, very time we see a bat, you can blatantly see the fishing line it is hanging from. It is almost as if the production crew positioned the lighting just so on purpose, to make sure the fishing line stood out. This could have been overlookable for me, but by the time the bat came into play in the film, I was already pissed off enough that it just added fuel to the fire. And if it was done on purpose, then that pisses me off even more.
And the inconsistencies…wow. Did anyone on the production team watch this movie before they called it done? In one scene, a guy is riding a Harley. In the next, he's on a dirt-bike. Huh? Seriously? Just thinking about this is causing anger to build up inside of me again.
I think I've already exerted more energy than I wanted to on this film. The ONLY positive thing I can say about Bikini Vampire Babes is that it had a somewhat decent soundtrack…but it's nothing I would really want to hear again.
In short, don't make the mistake I did by watching this film. Instead, use 90 minutes of your time wisely. Go watch paint dry or watch dust-bunnies collect under your bed or something; you'll enjoy yourself a lot more if you do and be spending your time in a much better way.
-MSB
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